


You're You.

by Sockers



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Comfort, F/F, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Issues, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Multi, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:48:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21851728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sockers/pseuds/Sockers
Summary: Maggie's ready to fall into bed next to her wife after a long day at work, except when she gets home Alex is in a state in their bedroom, trying to find the courage to tell Maggie something.
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Maggie Sawyer
Comments: 6
Kudos: 76





	You're You.

**Author's Note:**

> This story covers the topic of coming out as trans to a loved one. I know this is a difficult topic and this is not a journey that is personal to me, although my journey crosses paths with this one at times. I have tried to handle it with the care it deserves, however I may have made mistakes and if I have please let me know - just be respectful while doing so.
> 
> \- updated note. At the time of upload I said this isn't a personal story. Turns out it is and this was my way of processing that. However the note about if I make mistakes inform me respectfully still goes because I'm bound to make errors and mistakes and fuck up here and there, just let me know so I can do and be better

Maggie approached the door to the apartment, their apartment. Hers and her wives. Hers and Alex's. More than ready to fall into her wife's arms for cuddles and soft kisses, to be held, and to hold Alex while they talked about their days and made dinner plans - that at this time of the night, was more than likely going to be takeout. She didn't have the energy to cook right now, despite filling the fridge the night before. It had been a long day, a hard day, it had started that morning with an emergency call to her from the precinct on her day off over a hostage situation and had ended thirteen hours later with Maggie talking the suspect down without karas help after they'd come to an agreement after their argument the day that Alex... well, that day. The day that made dealing with hostage situations so much harder to deal with, because now she was more than empathetic with the families of the hostages. She'd been the family of a hostage and every time she has to deal with one her blood runs cold and she forces her way past the beginnings of a panic attack because she remembers that fear, that pain, how lost she felt not being able to help Alex the way she wanted to. It had been a long day and all she wanted now was to curl up and rest. She unlocked the apartment door, kicking her boots into the corner beside the door in the exact way she used to raise her eyebrows at when Alex would do it when they first moved in together.

She pushed the door shut and turned to lock it before turning back to the room, her eyebrows creased when she saw the place empty, the lounge where she'd left Alex laying on the sofa that morning was left almost exactly how it had been, the only difference was the coffee mug that was still full on the coffee table. As Maggie stepped further into the apartment she realised she could hear breathing, fast and shallow interrupted by gasps for air and what sounded like crying. She hurried to the bedroom and found Alex crumpled on the edge of the bed, tear-stained and red in the face, chest trying to heave under the binder she was wearing but not being able to.

Maggie rushed to the side of her wife and gently pulled Alex close to her, resting her chin atop red hair and wrapping her arms around her wife. She gave Alex a few seconds to move, to pull away if the touch was too much or to hold her tighter if that's what was needed, but besides burying her head into her wife's chest, she didn’t move. She wanted to be held but moving was way too much for her right now, and Maggie figured this out, so she just held her wife tighter against her. 

"I'm here baby, I've got you. I've got you. I'm right here. I promise. Just please keep breathing. I've got you. I promise." Maggie whispered, over and over into Alex's hair, punctuating the sentiment with soft kisses to the crown of Alex's head while she wept in Maggie's arms. 

After a few minutes of being held, Alex's tears slowed down but her breathing was still as fast as it was when Maggie had first gotten home.

"Al, I need you to try to slow down your breathing, I know it's hard. But I need you to try, okay?" Maggie placed a warm hand in the centre of Alex's chest "breathe against my hand, that's it. You're doing so good Alex, you really are." 

Maggie kept reassuring and keeping her hand on Alex's chest while Alex's breathing started to slow. Once the panic had calmed and the tears had slowed some more, Alex was breathing almost completely normal again, except for a few sharp breaths every few seconds, that were sharp and deep enough that Alex winced every time her chest tried to expand, Maggie pulled away ever so slightly. 

"Baby, I know you're not going to want to, but I think it might be good if you took your binder off so you can breathe a little better" Maggie spoke gently, pushing Alex’s hair behind her ears from where it was sticking to her face with the sweat from working herself up so much.

Alex shrugged minutely, her eyebrows creasing as she did, the way she did when she was feeling vulnerable and didn't want to do something, but knew she probably should. She sighed and then buried her head back into Maggie’s chest, finally wrapping an arm around Maggie’s back, gripping the shirt her wife was wearing like it was a buoy keeping her above water.

“But I need it” Alex mumbled, her voice slow while she tried to find the words.

“I know you do, I know it helps you feel better but right now it's hurting your chest baby, and you can’t breathe too good, and you’re only meant to wear it for a few hours each day, and you had it on before I left for work this morning.” She spoke quietly, starting to move her hand up and down Alex’s back, below the binder.

Alex shrugged against maggie’s chest before pulling away from the hug and looking at the woman beside her. “Help?” She asked, her voice small as she chewed on the inside of her cheek, a habit she’d picked up from Maggie. 

“Of course baby” maggie whispered before standing up and kissing Alex’s forehead before turning to go to the wardrobe to get a hoodie, she riffled through until she found the biggest hoodie either of them owned, and an oversized t-shirt. She knew if Alex was having this much reluctance to taking the binder off, it was best that she was in baggy clothes that hid her chest. 

They'd found that out a few years ago, when they’d been talking about the youth group Maggie had started near the precinct for queer kids and a few of the kids had started turning up because it was the only place they could be comfortable being themselves, being who they are because they’d been born in the wrong body. 

Alex had started to do some research, and at the start, it was to help the kids, to give them the best advice she could, to try to understand them. But in the research, she realised she could relate to them, at least a little. Maybe more than a little. But she didn’t let herself think about that too much. If she thought about it too much she’d have panic attacks that left her lying on the bathroom floor covered in sweat and tears and a few times blood had nearly been spilt and Maggie didn’t know that they’d ever gotten that bad.

The little she’d let herself think about it, about her, she realised that perhaps she gender identity issues but that scared her and the labels scared her and the idea of coming out, again, this late in her life, again, scared her. So she settled with the fact maybe she was just dysphoric and it had nothing to do with her being born in the wrong body. She just didn’t like hers. So she sat down, and Maggie sat down with her, and she explained. She explained that it wasn’t like she was trans or anything, but there was something wrong with her and she didn’t like her chest and maybe she’d like to try binding, just like some of the older kids at the group, and Maggie had assured her that “no, there’s nothing wrong with you. Nothing. And whether you’re just uncomfortable with your body, or you are trans or anything at all. There’s nothing wrong with you. You need to do what makes you feel the most comfortable and I’ll support you the entire time”

So Alex started binding and she felt better about herself. She really did. But there was always something in the back of her mind that she ignored because every time she’d let herself listen to it or focus on it, she’d end up back on the bathroom floor, throwing up with the panic, feeling like she was being crushed. She didn’t bind every day, and she stuck to the rules - mostly. But the days when she bound because if she didn’t it would feel like she was full of sludge and she couldn't bear to look at herself in the mirror, couldn’t bring herself to look down in case she saw her chest, she’d always take the binder off and immediately change into the biggest t-shirts and hoodies she could find. 

Maggie returned to her wife, and sat beside her on the bed and wiped the hair from her face once more. Every time Alex winced when she breathed, Maggie's chest hurt as if she was the one whose chest was aching. She helped Alex get out of the binder, gently pulling it over her head, and placing it in the laundry bag they had just for Alex’s binders. She turned back to her wife and placed kisses on the red marks the binder had left behind, making sure to avoid Alex’s chest before helping her change into the shirt and the hoodie, she sat with her wife and talked her through the stretches that Alex did every time the binder came off.

“Do you want some pyjama pants babe?” Maggie asked once she realised that Alex wasn’t wearing pants or shorts, just her boxers. 

Alex shook her head and moved so she was sitting with her back to the headboard, drawing her knees up under her chin.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Maggie asked softly, as she joined Alex against the headboard, taking one of the redheads' hands in her own.

Alex shrugged with creased eyebrows once more, she wanted to talk, she did. But it was scary and she couldn't find the words and she was scared it would ruin everything they’d built together and she wanted to stay like this for as long as she could.

“That’s okay, we don't need to talk about it right this second, just whenever you’re ready.”

Alex nodded and let her head fall against Maggie’s shoulder and took a deep breath like she was about to say something, before falling silent.

“How about this? Why don’t we put a film on, and order some pizza, and I’ll find some pyjamas and we’ll just be cosy?” 

Maggie handed Alex the remote to find a film while she dug her phone out of her pocket to order the pizza, while they were waiting for the pizza to arrive, Maggie slid out of bed and found a t-shirt and some pyjama shorts to change into, before moving back to the bed. The two stayed sitting up against the headboard as the film started, their hands interlocked, Maggie’s thumb tracing the back of Alex’s hand. Maggie couldn’t focus on the film that Alex had chosen, instead watching her wife’s reflection on the screen, watching how Alex was staring at the screen intensely, but her thoughts were elsewhere. The redhead was so lost in thought that she didn’t notice when the apartment buzzer had been pressed, only realising when Maggie had brought their hands up to her mouth and placed a soft kiss on the back of Alex’s hand with the promise she’d be right back.

Maggie came back into the bedroom a couple of minutes later with a box of pizza and some napkins and placed it in the middle of the bed, crawling back into bed, her body against Alex’s as they picked up a slice each. Maggie ate hers while watching Alex look at hers like it was about to give her the answer to whatever was on her mind. 

After wiping the grease off her hands with a napkin she balled up and threw into the trash can, Maggie sat against the headboard again. Trying to focus on the film, giving Alex some more time to sort out her thoughts.

Twenty minutes later Maggie listened as Alex’s breathing sped up once more, taking a pale hand in one of hers and tracing more patterns on soft skin until Alex calmed down again.

“Mags?” Alex asked, putting her untouched pizza slice back down before turning to face her wife, her eyes wide and her voice hoarse from the crying and the lack of use throughout the day. The brunette turned to face her wife, never once letting go of her hand.

“Yeah, babe?” 

Maggie saw the look on Alex’s face, one that screamed she was terrified of tearing things apart, one that she hadn’t seen for a very long time, not since she'd said she'd like to start binding, and squeezed her hand reassuringly.

“I think-” Alex started her voice trembling, before stopping and shaking her head, taking a breath to steady herself before trying again. “I’m a guy… I’m trans”

Maggie regarded the person in front of her, her wife, no. Her husband. And smiled, soft and warm and with a look in her eyes of pure love, and Alex looked as if all of the weight across his shoulders had been lifted.

“I am so, so damn proud of you for telling me this Al- wait, is Alex okay or do you have a new name in mind?”

The smile across Alex’s face was full of relief. 

“Alex is good baby. I’m still... I’m still Alex.”

Maggie smiled and nodded and tugged Alex in for a hug.

“I really am so proud of you Alex. I love you so much” She whispered.

After a few minutes of being held, of feeling safe and protected and accepted Alex pulled away from his wife and looked at her.

“Thank you.”

“you never, ever need to thank me. Especially not for being here. For loving you. Whether you're male or female or somewhere in the middle or anything baby, I love you because you're you."

Alex smiled and nodded and leant back into Maggie’s arms, resting his head against her chest, listening to the strong heartbeat beneath Maggie's warm chest and feeling so much more at peace than he had done for such a long time.

“How long have you known?” Maggie asked softly, hoping it didn’t come out like she was accusing Alex from hiding things because she truly wasn't.

“I think a part of me knew back before I first started binding but I ignored it because if I thought about it too much, I’d have panic attacks about it and I couldn’t focus on my thoughts without throwing up. I didn’t let myself think about it properly, until a few weeks ago. But I think part of me has known for a long time now. I just didn’t want to know about it. It freaked me out too much.”

“and that is more than okay. It’s a big thing. It’s a life-changing thing. It’s okay that it scared you”

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. Or about the panic attacks. Or how I was feeling. And I'm sorry that you came home from work and I was like th-" 

Maggie cut off Alex's ramblings with a gentle squeeze of his hand a kiss to the top of his head.

"You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. Nothing. I promise you. You were, you are, going through something major and you needed to think about it and figure things out, and it's okay that you did that on your own."

"But we promised we'd talk about things and not go through alone" Alex muttered quietly into Maggie's chest, with a sigh, beginning to beat himself up once more.

"I know, but I'm not angry at you or upset at you for needing to figure things out for yourself. You told me when you were ready to and I'm so damn proud of you."

Alex shrugged minutely again before nodding and wrapping both arms around the woman he loves.

They fell quiet, Maggie playing with her husband's hair while they both thought. 

After a few minutes in the silence, maggie spoke once more.

"What pronouns would you like to use baby?" she asked gently, knowing what the answer was more than likely going to be, but wanting Alex to talk about it, so he got to say it out loud to someone and not face backlash, remembering what some of the kids at the youth group had said about that moment of being able to announce their new pronouns for themselves.

Alex took a deep breath and held maggie a little tighter as if he was steadying himself. "I know that people are still going to call me she for a while. I mean... you're the only one I've told and even when everyone knows they're going to make mistakes. But I'd like to use masculine ones. Or at least have us use them in the house while I figure things out some more."

Maggie nodded and kissed Alex's head once more "That sounds good to me, and if you want me to use something else at any time like if we're at work, or in public, or anything at all, I will. I just need you to be comfortable. And I know there's going to be times when I slip up too, especially in the next few days, because I've been calling you my wife for the last few years, but I promise I'm going to make sure I do my best to keep the slip-ups to a minimum"

Alex pulled away from Maggie's chest so he could look her in the eyes and nodded as tears filled his eyes, he was so overwhelmed with love for his wife, with her love for him. How Maggie had taken the news and the conversation they were having in her stride and was making sure he was comfortable, and he felt safe and listened to.

"Are there any things that you'd like to do? About this, about you? I'm so sorry if that came out wrong, I'm not really sure how to word it, but you know how some of the trans kids at the group pack or they change their hair or they get piercings or things when they come out and they can be who they want? Is there anything like that you'd like to do? or something else? or nothing at all? I'm so sorry this is coming out wrong" Maggie rambled, the action and the pure concern in Maggie's voice making Alex chuckle a little.

"I'd like to do something with my hair. I think I want to crop the sides at least. I want to keep the top bit for now but I want to make the sides so much shorter. I want to buy more guy clothes. I know I've been wearing some for a while but I want some things that I can wear every day. Not just the button-ups that you think look hot on me" He said it with a grin and a wink which made maggie smile and then leant in to kiss her. The kiss was slow and gentle before they pulled away from one another and rested their foreheads against each other. 

"Anything else?" Maggie whispered

Alex chewed on the inside of his cheek before he spoke again.

"I'd like to pack. at least around you. I've been wearing one of our... toys. Under my boxers sometimes, to see how it feels. And I quite like it. It makes me feel more comfortable. And for now, I'm good binding but I was thinking maybe looking into top surgery for the future. And-"

Alex took a breath and Maggie squeezed his hand, she was at least ninety percent sure where the conversation was going next, and pressed a soft kiss to Alex’s cheek and spoke up, “and start T?” she asked

Alex nodded and looked down at the covers, withdrawing into himself. Maggie placed a finger under Alex’s chin and lifted his face so his eyes met hers.

“Hey, no, don’t look away baby, you’ve not done or said anything wrong, if you want to start T, we’ll look into it and we’ll find you the best doctor to help us through the process. We can look into doctors and things tomorrow, or the day after or the day after that or whenever you’re ready. We can go clothes shopping tomorrow if you’d like. Whenever you're ready, we can look for packers that work better than our toy collection does. While we’re clothes shopping we can go to get your hair -“ 

“Can we do that now?” Alex interrupted

“Do what now babe?”

“My hair. Could you shave it for me?”

Maggie nodded and smiled and slid out of the bed, taking their discarded pizza box in one hand and Alex’s hand in the other, leading him to the bathroom.

"you sure you're okay with this?" maggie asked softly, brushing the fallen hair off Alex's shoulders, and the nape of his neck "or do you want it any shorter, or a different style?",

Alex shook his head, "no, no, this is good, this is so good," he whispered, barely able to get the words out as studied himself in the mirror, the better part of an hour after Maggie had taken his hand and draped a towel across his shoulders in the bathroom.

his hair was shorter, no longer brushing against his chin, it was now cropped at the back and sides, fading towards the nape of his neck, the top long enough that he could style it back if he wanted, but short enough that it was out of the way. Alex couldn't stop staring at himself in the mirror, he'd had similar styles before. He'd had this exact style before but this time it felt different, he watched his reflection, and couldn't stop the smile that was tugging at the corners of his mouth. He saw himself a little more confidently than he'd seen himself earlier that very day. A little braver. A little stronger. 

"Are you sure? Cause I can change it if you want, I can-"

Maggie's rambling was cut off by Alex taking her hand in is "It's perfect baby. I love it. I love you."

"I love you too, handsome"

Alex grinned at the term of endearment, and wrapped his arm around his wife’s waist, tugging her closer to him and resting his head against her side as the two stayed still, watching one another in the mirror. 

“Baby,” Maggie said softly, turning so that she was eye to eye with her husband “I know that this is your journey, and I won’t ever really be able to understand what you’re going through, what thoughts will get to you in what moments, and how you’ll feel day to day, especially when you start telling the others, and if you start T. But I promise you, I’m here. I meant what I said earlier; I am so, so proud of you. I love you. Not because of your gender, or your pronouns, or the way you present yourself. I love you because you’re you.” 

The words rolled around Alex’s head for a moment, repeating themselves over and over. Filling him with a warmth and a certainty he hadn't had before because although Maggie was right, it was his journey, his path that he was on and she wouldn't be able to understand every moment of it, she was here. For him. Because she loved him.

Eventually, he nodded and smiled softly before Maggie stepped out of the sideways embrace they were in, and taking Alex’s hand in her own, pulling him up from where he had been sat on the edge of the bathtub and leading him to their bed, laying down and guiding him so his head was resting against her chest, as she began running her fingers through the cropped hair on the side of his head. 

“And babe?” she whispered, the response barely more than a grunt from her love, who was already drifting off to sleep, listening to the steady heartbeat against his ear “just cause you’re a dude and you’re all manly and you have a sharp new haircut and you’re going to get some new clothes and you’re my husband and whatnot, doesn’t mean you get to stop curling up on my chest and getting cosy, okay?”

A sleepy laugh vibrated against her chest as he snuggled against her further 

“Okay”

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry that there has been an almost exactly two year gap between this and the last story I uploaded. Life has been, very fast paced between then and now. And whilst I will refrain from boring you with the most part, I would like to say that between then and now I have found the most beautiful, kind souled girl and she makes my heart happy. Two years ago I was wondering if I would ever meet her and now we're engaged and I'm in the process of immigrating to the States from the UK to be with her. I have also left school, so from now on I should have more time to write, which is something I want to get back into. 
> 
> I know it's been a while, but as always, I hope you're having a wonderful day.


End file.
